November 2, 2010

God decided to keep the baby most didn't know was coming.

I miscarried today. The bleeding started right after lunch yesterday and after calling the nurse we went to Palomar as advised. At the ER I gave blood and had an ultrasound. Which showed baby, sac and placenta but no heartbeat. We were told it may not be a problem and too early for a heartbeat. I was told we were stable and discharged. When we got home around 5, my mom had made dinner so we ate. I went to the bathroom and there were clots in the blood. After calling the nurse back we, again, left for the ER, this time at Zion. We checked in at 7:42, seen by the Dr at 11 pm again had blood work done and, this time, a pelvic exam, told I was ok for now. Warned of the 4 things to watch for we headed home just after 1 am. As we were climbing into bed I went to the bathroom again and found tissue. It was triangular and stretchy about the size of my thumb and bumpy like chicken skin. I told my Matthew about it and realizing that this was inevitable we decided to go to bed and finally get some sleep. When I got up in the morning I had passed a lump which I knew was our baby. I went back to sleep to avoid all of it. When i woke up later, around 11 I got ready to go back to the ER. Matthew had me call the RN to see if we really needed to drive all the way down to Zion instead of the clinic near our home. She said we could bring the "tissue samples" to my midwife's office and they would send it to pathology. We all went together but I went in alone.It was so hard. Walking in there knowing I had my baby in a tupperware container in my purse and I was about to leave him (or her) there. Of course, I had to tell the receptionist why I was there and see her shocked face. And then sit among very pregnant women waiting for their healthy prenatal appointments before explaining in full to my midwifes assistant everything that had happened through sobs. She went and got Mary, my midwife, who hugged me for a long time and let me cry on her. We talked for awhile before I left and returned to the receptionist, looking blotchy and on the verge Im sure, to set up my follow up appointment. Back in the car, Matthew asked where I wanted to get lunch, so off to Chick-fil-a we went.He even bought me a peppermint chocolate milkshake, too, the sweet man. When we got home, Fin and I took a long nap. Later after all the boys were in bed Matthew and I hung out together and watched old episodes of The Dick Van Dyke Show. Throughout all of this I had surprised myself with a very matter-of-fact "God has this" mind set all the while fervently praying that His will would be done and that somehow He would be glorified through whatever the outcome. Well tonight, same day, November 2nd, Pepper woke me up with a few yips to say she needed to go out. So after a minute our motion sensor light on the porch turns off and I look up at all the beautiful stars. I hear myself saying, " the heavens declare your majesty, oh God" when exactly where I am looking God sends a shooting star! Instantly, I knew He was here, with me in this place and He "had this." I love a God who loves me back and is heartbroken when I am hearbtroken and rejoices over me with gladness when my heart is right and He is glorified. Although I am, indeed, heartbroken, it is well with my soul.